mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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