my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
