Don't make out with my wife yet
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
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just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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