I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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