first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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