Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
