my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
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