Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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