I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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