You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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