Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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