I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
