i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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