Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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