I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
