Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
