The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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