He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
