Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
