I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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