??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
