She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
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and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
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I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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