I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
