Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
