atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
