Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
vagina is talking i cant
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
