i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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