Tell her she can't have a vagina
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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