I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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