Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
