You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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