Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
