so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
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