I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
