i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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