yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
