I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
someone owes me an orgasm
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
