Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
