a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
