She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
