pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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