I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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