Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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