i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
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I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
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I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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