I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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