I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
