1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
