I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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