Your dad touched me again.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
