Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
