Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
