my sisters under your porch take her home
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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