please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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