Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
