the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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